For one, any end of a bad habit should be for life. Not all relationships last and life choices shouldn't be hanging in the balance based on a relationship status. And if they fall off the wagon, then their failure becomes a breaking of your trust and can be seen as them not "caring enough" about you to stop doing it. Ultimatums are extreme and should really only be used in extreme circumstances.
If you're at risk of hurting yourself or someone else with your behavior, then your partner might be justified in employing this tactic. We've all been guilty of asking our partners to do silly or annoying things for us. But your partner should not be issuing demands of you all of the time.
If they really need something done, it should come in the form of a question with demands reserved for emergencies only.
We all say things we don't mean when we're angry. But if your partner calls their affection for you into question all of the time or tells you that they actually hate you, that can be a huge red flag. The only time you should hear the words "it's over" should be when the relationship is really and truly over.
If your partner is invoking a "break-up" or threatening to end it with you over a simple argument, they're willing to make you feel unsafe in the relationship.
DePompo also stresses that this can bring out a "protective mode" rather than a "problem-solving mode. Relationship coach Chris Armstrong also advises against using the D-word during an argument.
He explains that, first and foremost, the message gets lost. Armstrong contends that the spouse hearing this can get overwhelmed and "whatever outcome that was desired by the spouse who uttered it will likely not be achieved. Whenever you use the D-word in an argument you are removing safety, security, and trust from a relationship, which are basic human needs. She says, "The threat of divorce during an argument can be devastating to hear. Their suggestions include the following:. One possible technique is to make a pact with your spouse.
She also advises, "Making ground rules of any kind that you can both stick to can be useful in building trust within your relationship. Divorce threats often stem from an inability to directly communicate the underlying problem. People might feel like they are not able to say that they are angry, hurt, or afraid. This leads them to leap directly to the ultimate weapon—the threat to end the relationship altogether. There are a lot of reasons why people might struggle to communicate their feelings and needs—including their attachment styles and previous relationship experiences.
People who developed an insecure attachment style, for example, tend to feel confused or overwhelmed by their own emotions as well as those of others.
When faced with difficult emotions or situations, people with this style of attachment may respond with fear or anger. However, it is important to know that one can learn to overcome this tendency to threaten and deal with the emotions behind it instead.
Sherman suggests using alternative language to the D-word that can help to deescalate the situation. In the heat of the moment, Dr. Sherman believes it is more productive to express your feelings in a different way, such as, "I'm so angry or hurt that a part of me feels like, even though I'd never do it, I don't want to be with you anymore.
DePompo recommends that couples should be vulnerable instead of defensive by targeting "the real hurt or fear that they are feeling which is hiding under their anger. Some things you can say instead:. Armstrong recommends a coaching strategy called the "WAIT Principle" that helps the partner who stay on track with what they're really trying to communicate.
The goal is to ask themselves the following questions before threatening divorce:. You are telling your spouse the relationship is not a safe place to be or that the relationship is fragile and cannot withstand any stress or pressure," says Armstrong. Heather Ehinger , a marriage and family therapist specializing in high-conflict relationships, believes that when couples threaten divorce, they are trying to get their needs met. While it's productive to express your unhappiness, doing it by threatening divorce is ineffective.
She advises couples to "take responsibility for yourself and examine what it is that you need that you are not getting. Ehinger also says that if you are not prepared to make good on the divorce threat, then stop making it as "divorce will get you divorced, threats will get you ignored.
If you or your spouse have threatened divorce or are regularly having thoughts of divorce, it is time to take serious steps to figure out how to address the problem. Remember that not saying divorce out loud and just keeping your feelings inside won't make them go away—and can cause harm to your marriage. Instead, try the strategies above.
In addition, talking to a therapist may be a helpful step. Marriage counseling can help couples who are coping with defensiveness, anger, infidelity, substance use, and other factors that can place a strain on your relationship.
By seeking professional help, couples can improve communication and address the issues that are causing problems in their marriage. If you suspect your marriage is in trouble or you are having persistent thoughts of divorce, it is important to find a way to either get back on track or explore the decision to end the relationship. The longer couples wait to address their issues, the less likely they are to overcome them.
However, for those that do confront their problems, there is greater hope of creating an even stronger marriage. Learn the best ways to manage stress and negativity in your life. How many married people have thought about divorce? Institute for Family Studies. Published November 2, I felt we used this threat of leaving each other very loosely. Maybe yes, but it is not the whole truth. As manipulative and depressing it may sound, it is a huge power move.
It helps achieve an expected goal or emotion faster, and in the process, the other person accrues more power. After all, relationships are mostly power plays. However, this is one phrase that you must never use in a relationship, ever. Threatening to break up is a sign that you do not value each other.
It creates unnecessary baggage in the relationship in the immediate future. Partners often go back to the fights and conversations in their heads questioning everything up till now.
0コメント